Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Pitch workshop #9: Allie Schellong


Allie Schellong
Of Ice and Ashes
YA fantasy

Years after a toxic explosion disfigures hundreds of survivors (the Tainted), a town leader declares they are diseased, dangerous—and must be purged. Self-conscious, sixteen-year-old Wren knows she’s the only dangerous one, and must brave lethally-armed guards and the malicious leader herself to locate and save the others.

Kat’s critique:

Years after a toxic explosion disfigures infects (I suggest changing this word so that you can streamline the next part of the sentence.) hundreds of survivors (the Tainted) (Either say ‘survivors known as the Tainted’ or cut ‘the Tainted’ as it’s not really important to know the term in the pitch. Either way, get rid of your brackets as they make it clunky.), a town leader declares they are diseased, dangerous and must be purged. Self-conscious, Sixteen-year-old Wren knows she’s the only dangerous one (please say why she’s the only dangerous one), and must brave lethally-armed guards and the malicious leader herself to locate and save the others. (Others? I’ll assume you mean other Tainted, but I don’t know how they are connected to Wren. Is her wanting to save them purely altruistic?)

I’ve just suggested a few word choice changes here, but I think you could also add the two key details I’ve highlighted to make this really hook the reader.


Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

1 comment:

  1. Sounds scary. I like it.
    Kat has done a wonderful job streamlining. Why is Wren the dangerous one? Yes, a little tid-bit there would do very nicely.

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