Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Pitch workshop #7: Beck Nicholas

Beck Nicholas
YA contemporary

Seducing the boyfriend-stealing new girl with a fake online guy is the perfect revenge after 16 year old Kath gets publically dumped. When she falls for her victim’s brother, she begins to have doubts and when the new girl goes missing she’s the only one with the answers. But the truth could cost her everything.

Kat’s critique:

When 16-year-old Kath is publicly dumped, taking revenge against the Seducing the boyfriend-stealing new girl is all she can think about. (You might want to put something stronger here – like ‘is the only way she can save face’ - but without knowing the story I’m just guessing). Seducing her with a fake online guy seems like  is the perfect revenge after 16-year-old Kath gets publically dumped. When she until Kath falls for her victim’s brother. she begins to have doubts and When the new girl goes missing, Kath is she’s the only one with the answers. But the truth could cost her everything.

I really liked the premise here – I just shifted things around a little, and hopefully you agree it reads more smoothly this way. One thing I’m not sure about is that last sentence – it doesn’t sit right. What will the truth cost her? Her new boyfriend? Her reputation? I think you can be more specific and it will be punchier.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

3 comments:

  1. The first sentence is a little confusing. I do like the falling for the victim's brother part. Sounds intriguing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I definitely like this concept; potential for some crazy drama. Sounds like a story I'd want to read :-)I do think I would keep the changes in there, though. Makes it read smoother. (Am wondering, if the online guy she created is fake, why would she know anything about the girl disappearing? But maybe that's answered in the story!) Nice idea.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks everyone. This is so hard to nail. Given me heaps to think about!
    =)

    ReplyDelete

Commenting is for winners.