Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Pitch workshop #6: Joanna Sargent


Joanna Sargent
At Fault
YA

It’s the last day of the summer holidays and 15 year old Beth is about to jump from the top of a multi-storey building.  She has fallen out with her best friend over a boy.  Only this is no typical teenage squabble but something much darker.  And everything points to Beth being at fault.

Kat’s critique:

After losing her best friend over a boy, It’s the last day of the summer holidays and 15-year-old Beth decides is about to jump from the top of a multi-storey building.  She has fallen out with her best friend over a boy.  Only this is no typical teenage squabble but something much darker. (What is the ‘something darker’?) And everything points to Beth being at fault. (I really like the use of the title here, even if it might be a little gimmicky.)

I’m guessing the story opens with Beth about to jump! I’ve mostly just jigged things around, but you will strengthen the hook if you give a bit more information about how this is something darker than a ‘typical teenage squabble’.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!


2 comments:

  1. "She has fallen out with her best friend over a boy." This is really, really generic. I'd try to find a stronger, more descriptive way to say this. Tell us a little more about your story.

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  2. Love the idea of the opening! Sounds intriguing, but I definitely agree with the revisions. I'd like to hear something a bit more specific about the conflict. Think it would make it more clear and stick in readers' heads more. I'm interested in this idea. :-)

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