Monday, 1 October 2012

Pitch Workshop #4: Lindsey Frydman


Lindsey Frydman
Uncovered
YA Sci-Fi Romance

When Hallie meets Colton, a guy with more frightening secrets than being an alien, she finds herself hunted by the Megaera. This deranged alien mafia group says she’s a Hamartia, a half human race who isn’t allowed to exist. Hallie knows she’ll be there prisoner until she decides which is worse, being a pawn or being dead.

Kat’s critique:

When Hallie meets Colton, she finds herself falling for a guy with more frightening secrets than being an alien. Now she is being she finds herself hunted by the Megaera. This deranged alien mafia group says she’s a Hamartia, who believe Hallie’s from a half-human race who isn’t allowed to which shouldn’t exist. Hallie knows she’ll be there their prisoner until she decides which is worse, being a pawn or being dead.

I find that the ‘Odd word>> explain odd word’ formula trips people up in a pitch, so unless it’s absolutely necessary to include ‘Megaera’ and ‘Hamartia’, I’d leave them out. They’ll both be used and explained in your MS, so why bog down the pitch?

What part does Colton play in this, beyond being her love interest/an alien? Is he the reason the Megaera are onto her?

Also, ‘being a pawn or being dead’ – I have to assume she chooses neither, and why are the Megaera holding her prisoner if she’s a Hamartia, who they’re out to exterminate? Why don’t they kill her outright? What are her real choices? I’d look again at that last sentence, make the conflict clearer.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!


2 comments:

  1. This premise seems cool; I do so love aliens! But I'm wondering if Colton is the reason the baddies want her or if it's just because of her race, and if it's just her race, what would make capturing her specifically so important? I agree; clarify the conflict a bit, but I think this sounds very interesting!

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  2. Agree that this sounds like an interesting concept - I think you've got some good suggestions already.

    For me, the way "being a pawn or being dead" makes it seem like she must become a pawn, because being dead > being a pawn, IMO. I think what we're missing is WHY being a pawn is such an awful thing. Why do they need her? Or you may not even need the pawn thing - if she is risking her life for something, those are some pretty high stakes. We just need to clearly understand why she is risking her life.

    Best of luck with this - sounds like a great story.

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