Monday, 1 October 2012

Pitch workshop #3: Ellie Heller


Ellie Heller
Adult PNR

With shifters being magically forced to change into their beast, Mona, untrained but with the unusual Elf ability to manipulate spells, works with the half-elf who may be her unwanted mate to find the culprit even as the evildoer discovers her skills and sends minions to capture her or die.

Kat’s critique:

An unknown mage (took a stab at it – replace with who/whatever’s doing the magical forcing) is magically forcing With shifters being magically forced to change into their beast. Mona, untrained but with the unusual Elf ability to manipulate spells, works with the half-elf who may be her unwanted mate (can you give some indication as to why her mate is unwanted? Or why she’s not sure he’s her mate?) to find the culprit even as the evildoer discovers her skills and sends minions to capture her or die before X happens. (Not sure what this is – maybe ‘before they can discover her skills and execute her’, or whatever else is creating this race-against-time scenario.)

This doesn’t need to be one sentence, so I’ve split it to make it easier on the brain. It needs a clearer steer at the end, so if you can add that, I think this will work really well.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!


5 comments:

  1. I had a really difficult time trying to figure out what is happening. What's at stake?

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  2. I'm certainly intrigued by all the fantasy elements you have here, and by the general idea, (especially the unwanted mate thing...hmmmm...what does that mean?)but I am somewhat confused as to what exactly is going on in your story. Maybe try to hone in on your inciting event and go from there to make it clearer?

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  3. Agree that for me I was missing a sense of the stakes - why does she care about about the spell and what's at stake if she fails? I also want just a smidgen more on this unwanted mate. I know it's tough with such a short word count (I struggle with this as well) but if there is only one thing to add I would highly reco finding a way to work the stakes in.

    But overall this sounds like a great story. Like Brianna, I'm super curious to know what this unwanted mate thing us - interesting! Best of luck with this!

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  4. I would try to break this down into a couple of sentences. It would help it flow a little better. Also, like the other commenters, I want to know the stakes. Good luck!

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  5. This is interesting. I think breaking it up would really help. The 'before X happens' is the key for me really wanting to read on. A great start.
    =)

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