Monday, 1 October 2012

Pitch workshop #2: Brianna R. Shrum


Brianna R. Shrum
Corrupted
YA Cyberpunk

When Cyber Hacker Rynn 713 and the boy she illegally loves discover their impending executions, they must somehow flee a nation that tracks every word they say and every move they make, and fight back with the only weapon Cyber Hackers have: Tech.

Kat’s critique:

When Cyber Hacker Rynn 713 and the boy she illegally loves discover their impending executions, they must somehow flee a nation that tracks every word they say and (I took this out as it’s kind of implied by the next bit) every move they make, and fight back with the only weapon Cyber Hackers have: Tech.

I thought this was really strong. As I’ve cut a few words, you could add in something to say why it’s illegal for Rynn to love Dave (I call him Dave as I’m not sure what he’s called), as this idea really intrigued me, but wasn’t mentioned again.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!


6 comments:

  1. I agree with Kat: A place where love is illegal sounds like a harsh place to live. Is it illegal because of who they are? Is love outlawed altogether? Fascinating, and good job!

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  2. I also wondered about the potential illegality of love, but that's not a bad question for me to wonder. It means I'm intrigued! I love the ending of your pitch in particular, and think the whole thing's pretty strong. The only part I got hung up on was the Cyber Hacker Rynn 713, since that's a lot of capitals and it took two reads to figure out that 713 is in her name. Otherwise, good job!

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  3. I'm curious about the tech part. What skills do they have?

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  4. The pitch really pulled me in and clearly explained the story making me curious to read more. The little touches Kat added definitely tightened it up a bit and added more punch. I was also left wondering why it is illegal that they love each other, but I guess that is why I would pick up the book and read it. :)

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  5. Yes, I'd like to know what typr of "tech" is used. I'm intrigued for sure.

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  6. A great pitch. I'm not confused but have a lot of questions - meaning i'd read on.
    =)

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