Thursday, 4 October 2012

Pitch workshop #16: Jodie Andrefski


Jodie Andrefski
Summer of Hope
YA Contemporary

Sixteen-year-old Callie watched her best friend die and couldn't do anything to stop it. Now the boy she loves is dying too. When Ethan confesses he has Hodgkin's disease, Callie must choose whether she'll stay and watch another boy she loves die; or run, and risk losing hope of loving again. Her decision changes both of their families' lives--forever.

Kat’s critique:

Sixteen-year-old Callie watched her best friend die and couldn't do anything to stop it. Now the boy she loves is dying too. (The way this is phrased makes it sound like the deaths are connected somehow.) When Ethan confesses he has Hodgkin's disease, Callie must choose whether she'll stay and watch another boy she loves die; or run, and risk losing hope of loving again. Her decision changes both of their families' lives--forever. (How? Why? Where did their families come from?)

I think you could actually lose the last sentence and make it stronger. I'd like just a little more detail about the best friend - maybe just a word or two to clarify how he died and that it's an entirely separate thing from her boyfriend dying now.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

1 comment:

  1. Callie's best friend who died, was he a "he?" If so, it might be a good idea to mention that. Only because when you mention her loving another boy and watching him die, it's just a tiny bit confusing. You never mention Callie loving her best friend. When I think of best friends, I think of girl best friend. Not that boy/girls can;t be best friends, because they can. It's just a first thought that popped into my mind.

    Also, how did the best friend die? Did he have a disease, too?

    And I agree with Kat. The last sentence isn't really needed. Or it should be revised to add more punch. How does it change lives? More important, how does it change Callie?

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