Thursday, 4 October 2012

Pitch workshop #14: Katie Teller


Katie Teller
Kiya: Hope of the Pharaoh
YA Historical Romance

Naomi is taken to be a wife of the crazed Pharaoh Akhenaten. In the palace she discovers that being one of the Pharaoh's wives is dangerous, especially when he shows favor for her. The Great Queen Nefertiti is furious with her, so she must keep her wit about her or lose her life, especially when she falls pregnant with the prophesied heir.

Kat’s critique:

When Naomi is taken to be a wife of the crazed Pharaoh Akhenaten, In the palace she discovers that being one of the Pharaoh's favorite wives is dangerous, especially when he shows favor for her. (Good, I like what this is building up to…) The Great Queen Nefertiti is furious with her, so she must keep her wit about her or lose her life, especially when she falls pregnant with the prophesied heir. (While this is an interesting last sentence, it’s not as punchy as it could be.)

What will the Queen do to Naomi? What is Naomi’s child prophesied to do? And the phrase ‘keep her wits about her’ always makes me think of someone being ready with a cutting quip rather than fighting for their life – maybe you could give more detail as to what Naomi actually faces to strengthen this.

Side-note: there’s no indication that this is YA from the pitch, which is a little confusing.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

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