Thursday, 4 October 2012

Pitch workshop #13: Karen Hallam


Karen Hallam
Upper MG – Magical Realism

Thirteen year-old Abegale meets Mrs. Egremony, who dresses like she’s trapped in 1901. She tells Abegale her grandmother is not dead, and only Abegale will know where she is. Though, it appears Mrs. Egremony is looking for grandma too.

Kat’s critique:

(It feels like it needs to start with something about the grandmother being dead, otherwise it sounds a bit weird when Mrs. E says she’s not dead after all.) Thirteen year-old Abegale meets Mrs. Egremony, who dresses like she’s trapped in 1901. She tells Abegale her grandmother is not dead, and only Abegale will be able to find her know where she is. Though, it appears Mrs. Egremony is looking for grandma too. (Why? And is this a bad thing? Or could she help Abegale find her?)

I think you need more detail as to what Mrs. E might want with Abegale’s grandmother. It feels like you’re building toward a sinister vibe here, but she has actually been pretty helpful to Abegale. You can definitely strengthen this by at least hinting at what Mrs. E wants with Abegale’s grandmother, and why Abegale should want to beat her to it.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

3 comments:

  1. Thanks Kat. I'll work on that. It's one of three taglines. The other is simplified (if allowed to do this??) as:

    Thirteen year-old Abegale finds Grandma’s medicine book. Can she use it to bring Grandma home, before she’s trapped between the fabric of space and time for eternity?

    Very much appreciate your help. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you could probably combine the two and come up with a really stellar pitch! :)

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    2. Thanks Kat. I'm on that, think I've got a new one, yet again. :)

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