Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Pitch workshop #12: Viklit

Vikki a.k.a. VikLit
YA Sci-Fi Thriller

One year ago Devon’s brother disappeared without a trace, an impossible feat given that the state-run social network broadcasts their citizens every move. When a mysterious group of hackers break into the Network, leaving her brother’s name as the only clue, Devon throws caution and law to the wind to solve the mystery behind her brother’s disappearance.

Kat’s critique:

One year ago, Devon’s brother disappeared without a trace. (Stopped it here for impact.) This should have been an impossible feat given that with the state-run social network broadcasting their citizens every move. When a mysterious group of hackers break into the Network, leaving her brother’s name as the only clue, Devon throws caution and law to the wind (not keen on mixing up the idiom this way – maybe you could say ‘goes undercover’ or whatever it is she actually does to try and solve the mystery?) to solve the mystery behind her brother’s (repetitive) his disappearance.

Very strong pitch, gives a good idea of what’s at stake and where the story is going.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for the great critique, will definitely watch mixing idioms and make the changes you suggested. I appreciate you running these critiques!

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  2. great improvement suggestions! and i love this story! good luck vikki!

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  3. Amazing what a difference a few changes can make! Sounds like a really great pitch now, very intriging, well done Vikki!

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  4. This sounds awesome. I like the changes suggested, and would offer one more minor change that would get rid of the participle phrase:

    ...When hackers break into the Network and leave her brother's name as the only clue, Devon goes undercover (or whatever she does...) to solve the mystery of her brother's disappearance.

    Sounds like an exciting read:)
    Talynn

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  5. Thank you all for commenting and for your encouragement and help ;)

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