Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Pitch workshop #10: Kelly Allan

Kelly Allan
Fade Into You
YA Contemporary

Kenzie is a drifter who has never been in a place long enough to make a true friend. Mags is a mentally unstable Valedictorian who needs a live-in to keep her from hurting herself, for the sake of her unborn baby. Kenzie's ex-boyfriend's baby. A deep-seeded and unexpected friendship challenges Kenzie's mobile life.

Kat’s critique:

Kenzie is a drifter who has never been stayed in a one place (I just changed the wording to make it clearer that it’s her choice not to stay in one place) long enough to make a true friend. Mags is a mentally unstable Valedictorian who needs a live-in caregiver to keep her from hurting herself, for the sake of and her unborn baby (I prefer an em-dash to a period here) Kenzie's ex-boyfriend's baby. A deep-seeded and unexpected friendship challenges Kenzie's mobile life. (I get where you’re going with this last sentence, but calling it her ‘mobile life’ makes it sound a bit flippant, where I think this is going to be pretty life-changing stuff. Maybe: ‘…unexpected friendship forces Kenzie to choose between her carefree life and staying to face demons that aren’t just her own.’ Something like that?)

I really like this a lot, and I think the premise definitely stands out.

Please feel free to add your own constructive comments below!

3 comments:

  1. Yes, the premise really does stand out. I went, ooh, yeah? Sounds like some tough love. I'm hooked!

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  2. I love stories about unlikely friendships - this one sounds great and drama filled! Nice job. I think Kat's reco is spot on, especially about the end. That last sentence could use a little ooph to pump up the stakes. But overall nice job!

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